There are so many things that I want to write about. Things that piss me off like the Superferry issues; people never saying thank you, and being left behind at a video store. There are many interesting things in this world; even down to how the weeds grow in my yard.
The other day I cooked a defrosted turkey that was supposed to be cooked for Christmas dinner and I practically ate the entire thing. My farts even smelled like turkey. The day after I knew I had to do something, I fell clogged. I took some generic laxative fiber and waited till the next day and it practically fell out of my ass with out any pushing effort. Later that day I made a tea with the uhaloa growing in my front yard (look it up in the La’au Hawaii by abbot). It was bitter but it kind of tasted like spinach. And I fasted that whole day, trying to rest my body.
I also went to the doctor on Friday…Dr Nguyen. She’s a pretty doctor asian…kind of tall, if I wasn’t gay, I’d probably well… i guess not… So Kaiser Clinics are a strange place. There’s always a full waiting room, and you go up to the window to give them your paper, but the people there, I dont know if they’re nurses or just secretaries with the nursing outfit, are kind of rude. The have these head sets like they are taking orders from a drive through. Drive through medical attetion with a side order of nausea and drowsiness.
I talked to my doctor about my sleeping problems, and she recommended a pill called Trazodone. She mentioned that it was normally used as an anti-depressant but since it causes drowsiness, it was repurposed as a sleep aid. I love that, repurposing objects, like making a dress out of a green paisley curtain. I looked at the bottle to see the little diagrams of possible side affects, and it said TAKE FOR INSOMNIA. I love the picture of drowsiness, two tired baggy eyes. I’d say they look more like ice addict eyes. I wonder what a picture should be of nausea… a stick figure with head in toilet, or a sad face belly.
Wow, I have insomnia. I could add that on to the list of ailments, like my depression, eating disorders and alcoholism. I’m an insominiatic that uses alcohol to be a bulimic. Well now, that’s kind of deeper that I’d want to go but I guess it’s true. In fact as I write this I’m waiting for the Trazodone to kick in, I look it almost 2 hours ago. I had hoped it would have made me obviously tired like the Longs brand Sleep Aids, but these are more subtle. So subtle that I took one last night and I fell fast asleep at 7:00am.
The main point of the doc’s visit was to refill my happy pills. She’s got me on a 2 refill’s at at time moderation schedule. I guess she wants to have control over my moods. They should just sell this stuff over the counter. I don’t even know if it works or not. But after about 2 years of taking this stuff, I do know it makes me really fricken horny and paranoid. Good combinations. One side affect is that it tends to make people loose weight. And I guess it’s true, but lately after the Thanks-Xmas-New Year holiday celebrations began, I’ve been accumulating so far…6 pounds. Could be all the alcohol left over from the parties, or the turkey.
And tomorrow is New Years Eve, what the hell am I going to do, I wasn’t ready for it to be here so quickly. I remember last years’ at Steph’s party, I think I pissed off one of my ex-coworkers, but it was fun, I think. This year’s going to be a mellow one for me, I’m not sure what to do, I’m a bit scared I guess of getting drunk again. This past Christmas I puked up my entire dinner in the backyard of Kristi’s House, in fact it was right under her window. I smoked ciggarettes and drank a gallon of mojitos. I’m so out of control this holiday.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I think it’s because I have so much free time on my hands, and that until school starts up again I’ll have to try and occupy my time in a more positive way. And when school starts I’ll be busy once again, stressing at the little time that I have for myself and waiting for the summer to arrive. Summer… another summer is coming soon.
In the Spring semester I’ve already enrolled in pre-ABIT.. what ever that means. I was going to geography interdisciplinary route, but I wouldn’t really be taking classes that I would want to take. I’m changing my mind as the days go by… Maybe I’ll go in to fashion design or automechanics.
I just feel really unfocused right now. I wake up at 12pm on average, always wanting to do something constructive. I’ve got my unfinished gardening projects, and I’ve got my room to reorganize. I’ve got my truck to clean and my dog to groom. I’ve got 6 pounds to loose and get back my pre holiday body back, and a mother to help quit drinking.
I keep looking at the application for the year of study in Korea. I’ve got the educational support but I don’t have the family support. Mainly my mother. I’m afraid to leave her alone here. And I think she knows that I’m afraid to leave her and that’s why she doesn’t support me in anything that has to deal with moving away for my education.
Maybe I should get a doctor to talk to, but I’ve been thinking it’s so much easier if i just didn’t exist. That if I wasn’t here I wouldn’t have to be the one in the middle of this family bullshit. I just want to go, run away. Go somewhere far away on my own and learn to suffer the hardships of real life. I had a small sample of it several years ago, and it’s like a drug. It stays with you, and you always remember the high, the rest of your life you’re trying to get the high back. I keep looking at the application on my desktop. It would be great. Anything would be great.
Living here is so difficult. I don’t want to do anything to this house because I don’t own it, and I never will. So why do I want to make these improvements? I guess it’s just for the moment now. Just so I can be happy with what I see outside and as well as what is on the inside. There’s crap everywhere, and all I do is sit inside and what HGTV wishing that I had the enthusiasm to paint my room, get rid of the popcorn ceiling, and finish my yard projects.
Tomorrow’s New Years Eve, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Sit on the couch, remote in the right hand, left hand scratching my balls. Wondering if chocolate brown is a good masculine color or if I should stick with blue. I would love to sleep right now, but my mind is keeping me awake again. Trazedone is supposed to be taken in 1/2 doses as recommended by my doctor, perhaps I should take a whole pill. Or maybe I should just write a period right here and turn off my computer and go to sleep. Lay my head against my 300 dirty cotton sheets and drift away in to drug induced death… that is until i have to pee.
Fallen Monkey 